Every Time
by Rosefern
Summary: “Every time I close my eyes, I see him. Every time.” OneShot


Title: Every Time  
Author: Rosefern  
Rating: PG-13.  
Disclaimer: CSI: Miami and the characters belong to CBS and Jerry Bruckheimer.  
Warnings: Mentions of suicide, mild language  
Summary: "Every time I close my eyes, I see him. Every time." One-Shot  
Spoilers: 10-7  
Author's Notes: Enjoy!

"Every time I close my eyes, I see him. Every time. Him lying there on the floor, his head laying in a pool of blood…his blood." Calleigh stopped, unsure of how to continue.

"Go ahead. Remember, I'm not here to judge, only to listen." Dr. Campion said kindly.

Calleigh started again. "And then I see myself, standing there, in the lab, ready to fire, and the drop of blood falls on me…and I…I just stand there, his blood on me."

Calleigh had taken some time off but when she came back to work, Horatio noticed that she was a bit…off. Which was understandable, considering the circumstances. He decided to give it a week, and after that week, nothing had changed. If anything, it had gotten worse. She always seemed distracted, and created excuses not to work on any cases involving guns, suicide, or dirty cops. Finally Horatio decided to have her sit down with the resident shrink. He was surprised when she didn't protest. So here she was, sitting in Dr. Campion's office, spilling her innermost thoughts to this woman she barely knew.

"Do you feel responsible for John's death?" Dr. Campion asked.

"I guess. I keep thinking, if I had done something, anything, he…he might still be alive." Calleigh said tentatively.

"You had no way of knowing-"

"I should have realized. I should have noticed _something. _I knew he was acting strangely, but I never thought he'd kill himself. He wanted to get back together, and I said no. Maybe that was the last straw. All it took, before he finally snapped." She stood up abruptly, and moved off the couch, and stood by the window, gazing out over the ocean and the beach.

"He told me, before he…died, that all he wanted was to be someone's hero. All he wanted. I guess he felt that, when Ray died, he had failed being his partner's hero. The whole time we were together, he was always trying to protect me. I told him I didn't need a hero, that I didn't need to be protected, didn't need to be saved. That's part of the reason we broke up."

"I tried to forget him, and I did. Now I can't get him out of my head. He's in my mind all the time. Even while I sleep. I have nightmares about it. Replaying it in my mind. Every time I see a gun, it reminds me of him, right at the moment he shot himself. I took a long vacation, thinking that would help. It didn't. It made it worse. At least while I'm at work, I'm keeping busy, and it's easier to not think about it. But at home, there's nothing. And I can't get him out of my head."

"Why do you think he killed himself? What do you think was his reason?" Dr. Campion asked, watching her patient intensively.

"I don't really know." Calleigh said, watching the tide come in and out, "He had taken that piece of paper from the bomb scene, and put a gun to my head when he saw that I noticed it was gone. He knew that the right piece of evidence could make him a hero, but he couldn't understand what the chart meant. I guess he knew someone would eventually figure it out, and I guess he felt he had no other options. Getting caught would cost him his shield, and he probably thought that he'd rather die than let that happen. But I'll never really know what he thought, will I?

"I guess that was his breaking point," Calleigh said, continuing, "I sometimes wonder how much I'll be able to take, before I can't take it anymore. I've seen lots of cops, many of them good friends, ruined by what they see on the job. The horror of the crimes, the screwed-up morality of the criminals, the victims, the innocent victims who didn't do anything to deserve what happened to them. Some quit, some turn dirty, and a few kill themselves. And I wonder, why do we do it? Why would anyone want to see these things on a daily basis? Why do we do it?"

"Because you know someone has to. Someone has to protect the people that can't protect themselves," Dr. Campion suggested optimistically.

"But there's always another criminal, always another victim. And after a while, you start to wonder, what's the point? "Calleigh said, frustrated. "What the hell's the point?"

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